The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

In this article we will give you a compilation of 100 of the most funny and entertaining Chuck Norris jokes we could find on the whole internet. We hope you have a nice time laughing your asses off! So in no particular order, the top 100:

1) Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

2) Chuck Norris writes only in the first person because that's the only person that matters to anyone.

3) Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

4) Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

5) Chuck Norris wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

6) Chuck Norris took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

7) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

8) Chuck Norris came before the chicken and the egg.

9) Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

10) Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide- and-seek." He plays "hide-and- pray-I-don't-find-you."

11) Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

12) Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

13) Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

14) Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

15) Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

16) In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

17) Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

18) Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

19) Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

20) Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

21) When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

22) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

23) Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

24) Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

25) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

26) Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

27) When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

28) Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

29) Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

30) Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

31)Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

32) Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

33) Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

34) If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

35) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

36) Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

37) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

38) Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

39) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

40) Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

41) Some people piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

42) Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

43) Chuck Norris can speak braille.

44) When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

45) Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredibl Hulk.

46) Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

47) Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

48) There are three legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, and Chuck Norris.

49) If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

50) Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

51) Chuck Norris ’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

52) If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

53) There is no theory of evolution just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

54) Nine out of ten scientists agree that Chuck Norris, not the Big Bang, created the universe. The tenth scientist has never been found.

55) Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

56) CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

57) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

58) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

59) The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

60) TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

61) Chuck Norris ate a 10 pound steak in an hour. He spent the first 55 minutes banging the waitress.

62) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

63) Ironically, Chuck Norris ’ hidden talent is invisibility.

64) Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

65) If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

66) Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

67) The leading causes of the death in the United States: 1. Heart attack 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

68) Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

69) One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

70) Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

71) The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

72) Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

73) Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

74) The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

75) If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.

76) Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

77) Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

78) Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

79) Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

80) Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

81) Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

82) Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

83) A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

84) Chuck Norris doesn't chec death. He wins fair and square.

85) Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

86) Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

87) Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

88) Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

89) The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

90) Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

91) Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.

92) The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

93) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

94) Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

95) When Chuck Norris swims, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

96) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

97) When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

98) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

99) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

100) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you liked this post, let us know by leaving a comment and telling us your favourites out of the 100! Don't forget to share and like this post for more people to enjoy it.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

1. My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

2. I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

3.Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

4.TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

5.I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

6.They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

7. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

8.I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. (Steven Wright)

9.I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" (Steven Wright)

10.I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)

In order to assure the highest levels of
quality work & productivity from
employees, it would be our policy to
keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T.
than any one else.

If you feel that you do not receive
your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see your manager. You will be
immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are
specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T.
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go
to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers
took S.H.I.T. before they were
promoted, they don't have to do
S.H.I.T. anymore, & are all full of S.H.I.T.
already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be
interested in a job training others. we
can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
INTENSIVE PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.
S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please
direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

1) Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

2) Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

3) Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

4) Viagra, Home of the whopper

5) Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

6) Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

7) Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

8) Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

9) Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

10) This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

10. Meow occasionally.

11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

1) I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

2)China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

3)If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

4)Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

5)My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

6)I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

7)After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)

8)I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)

10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE

I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW

MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,

NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,

MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROUBLE POOPING.

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

10. Get ahead faster in corporate
America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating
about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to
other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the
bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the
other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without
thought as to how improper it may
seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs
between a man's eyes and the ruler
situated next to his member which
causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

10. Immediately go shopping for
zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for
an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a
ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than
10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic
exam and ask to have it recorded on
video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Kissing's a pleasure

Fucking's a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true

Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain

3 days in hospital, a child without a name

The baby's a bastard

The mother's a whore

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

Steve Martin: “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither. ”

Woody Allen: “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

Roseanne: “Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. ”

Lynn Lavner: “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”

Jack Nicholson: “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son- of-a-bitch.”

Matt Barry: “Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. ”

Camille Paglia: “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

George Burns: “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

Sharon Stone: “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. ”

Rod Stewart: “Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.”

Rodney Dangerfield: “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ”

Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers): “My girlfriend always laughs during sex --- no matter what she's reading.”

Robin Williams: “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”

Billy Crystal: “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

Robert De Niro: “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in
front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

Dustin Hoffman: “There's a newmedical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?”
Jerry Seinfeld: “There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'"

Robin Williams: “See, the problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Watch out for these new viruses -
Neither Symantec or McAfee have
solutions as yet!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses of mass destruction.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO
memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB,
then slowly expands to re-stabilize
around 150 GB.

The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies … Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

And the last thought for the day:

You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.