The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

In this article we will give you a compilation of 100 of the most funny and entertaining Chuck Norris jokes we could find on the whole internet. We hope you have a nice time laughing your asses off! So in no particular order, the top 100:

1) Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

2) Chuck Norris writes only in the first person because that's the only person that matters to anyone.

3) Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

4) Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

5) Chuck Norris wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

6) Chuck Norris took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

7) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

8) Chuck Norris came before the chicken and the egg.

9) Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

10) Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide- and-seek." He plays "hide-and- pray-I-don't-find-you."

11) Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

12) Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

13) Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

14) Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

15) Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

16) In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

17) Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

18) Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

19) Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

20) Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

21) When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

22) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

23) Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

24) Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

25) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

26) Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

27) When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

28) Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

29) Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

30) Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

31)Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

32) Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

33) Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

34) If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

35) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

36) Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

37) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

38) Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

39) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

40) Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

41) Some people piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

42) Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

43) Chuck Norris can speak braille.

44) When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

45) Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredibl Hulk.

46) Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

47) Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

48) There are three legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, and Chuck Norris.

49) If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

50) Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

51) Chuck Norris ’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

52) If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

53) There is no theory of evolution just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

54) Nine out of ten scientists agree that Chuck Norris, not the Big Bang, created the universe. The tenth scientist has never been found.

55) Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

56) CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

57) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

58) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

59) The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

60) TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

61) Chuck Norris ate a 10 pound steak in an hour. He spent the first 55 minutes banging the waitress.

62) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

63) Ironically, Chuck Norris ’ hidden talent is invisibility.

64) Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

65) If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

66) Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

67) The leading causes of the death in the United States: 1. Heart attack 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

68) Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

69) One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

70) Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

71) The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

72) Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

73) Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

74) The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

75) If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.

76) Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

77) Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

78) Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

79) Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

80) Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

81) Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

82) Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

83) A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

84) Chuck Norris doesn't chec death. He wins fair and square.

85) Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

86) Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

87) Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

88) Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

89) The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

90) Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

91) Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.

92) The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

93) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

94) Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

95) When Chuck Norris swims, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

96) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

97) When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

98) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

99) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

100) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you liked this post, let us know by leaving a comment and telling us your favourites out of the 100! Don't forget to share and like this post for more people to enjoy it.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."


As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does i look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in- law!"

A professor at Texas A&M University is
giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90
students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you
take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15
students raise their hands.
"That's a great response." "Has
anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3
students raise their hands."That's
fantastic." "But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a
ghost?"
One student in a flannel shirt and
baseball cap way in the back raises his
hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step
back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one
has ever claimed to have slept with
a ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience." The redneck student complies with a
nod and a grin, and begins to make
his
way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like
to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit.
From baaack there it sounded like
you said 'goats'"

A Preacher wanted to raise money for
his church and, being told there were
fortunes in Race horses, he decided to
purchase one and enter it in the
races.However, at the local auction, the
going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured that since he had it, he might
as well go ahead and enter it in the
races, and to his surprise the donkey
came in third. The next day the racing
sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the
donkey that he entered it in the races
again and this time he won! The
papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the
Preacher not to enter the donkey in
another race. The newspaper printed
this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop
and he ordered the Preacher to get rid
of the animal. The Preacher decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the
nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey and she finally found a
farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

In order to assure the highest levels of
quality work & productivity from
employees, it would be our policy to
keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T.
than any one else.

If you feel that you do not receive
your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see your manager. You will be
immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are
specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T.
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go
to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers
took S.H.I.T. before they were
promoted, they don't have to do
S.H.I.T. anymore, & are all full of S.H.I.T.
already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be
interested in a job training others. we
can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
INTENSIVE PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.
S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please
direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the steet to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him.

"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers
and shorts and stood before her in his
altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said,
"Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full
erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his
wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-
door neighbor over to see this? It's
really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't
mind at all, since he was proud of
what he had accomplished. So the wife
goes next door and comes back with
a delicious looking woman who got
this guy's full attention!

After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now
watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-
HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was
"Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy
again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy
now says,"For the last time, you son-
of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was
embarassed and ran off to the
bathroom. His wife made excuses for
him and then joined her husband in
the bathroom, where she found him
masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?"
she asked. The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-
bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."

The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"

His mom fainted.

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.


"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.


The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).


That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.


"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."


"No problem," he says. And in they go.


The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.


So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.


"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.


Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

10. Meow occasionally.

11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"


"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."


"What sort of trouble?"


"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."


"Went away?"


"They disappeared."


"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"


"Nothing."


"Nothing?"


"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."


"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"


"How do I tell?"


"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"


"What's a sea-prompt?"


"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"


"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."


"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"


"What's a monitor?"


"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.


"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"


"I don't know."


"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"


"Yes, I think so."


"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."


"Yes, it is."


"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."


"Okay, here it is."


"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."


"I can't reach."


"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"No."


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"


"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"


"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."


"Well, turn on the office light then."


"I can't."


"No? Why not?"


"Because there's a power outage."


"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"


"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."


"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."


"Really? Is it that bad?"


"Yes, I'm afraid it is."


"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

There was a mouse and an elephant and they decided to go for a walk in the jungle together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the elephant fell in a hole.

"Oh My!" the elephant cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".

"Don't worry" said the mouse. I'll just run back into town and get my Porsche and we will have you out of there in no time at all."


So the mouse ran back to town and got her porsche.

When she arrived back at the hole she backed the porsche up to the edge. The mouse then threw the elephant one end of a chain and secured the other end to her bumper.

"Here we go" the mouse yelled to the elephant as she put the Porsche in gear and pulled the elephant out of the hole.

"Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the elephant.

"My pleasure" said the mouse "Should we continue on our walk?"

The elephant agreed, but as he turned toward the mouse his trunk accidentally knocked her into the hole.

"Oh my goodness" the elephant wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your porsche!"

"Not a problem" the mouse responded "Just throw your dick down here" The elephant trusted the mouse so he threw his dick into the hole and the mouse climbed out on it.

Once she was out the elephant and mouse continued on their walk with no further mishaps.

And the moral of the story is... ?

"If you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche!

One day this hunter drives his truck out into the forest, in the trunk he has a pistol, a shotgun and a rocket launcher.

So he stops off in the middle of the woods, grabs his pistol out of the trunk and goes off on foot in search of bears.

He sees one drinking down by the stream, he slowly aims the gun, and BANG! he shoots the bear and it falls down to the floor, not 2 seconds later he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns around to find the bear standing right in front of him, the bear says "look mate, that really hurt, so im gonna give u 2 choices, either i rip you to shreds, or i bumfuck you" so the hunter thinks, o shit what should i do?, but seen as he dosent want to die he lets the bear bumfuck him.

Afterwards he's really pissed off about the bear incedent, so he runs back to his car, grabs his shotgun and goes out in search to kill that same bear.

He finds the bear he's looking for with 2 other bears, so BANG BANG BANG! he shoots all 3 of them and they fall to the floor, yet only 2 seconds later he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to find the 3 bears standing in front of him, so the first bear says "alright mate, that hurt the 3 of us, so you've got 2 choices, we bumfuck you, or we rip you to shreds" so once again the hunter who doesn't want to die lets them bumfuck him.

So now the hunter is really really pissed off, so he goes back to his car, pulls out his rocket launcher and goes off in search for those 3 bears.

He comes across them in a whole pack of ten bears, he aims the rocket and BOOM! the bears blow up. But once again he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to face the 10 bears behind him, the first one says " look mate, just between you and me, you're not really in this for the hunting are ya"

During the Great Depression, there
was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but
we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The
bartender can't believe what he's
seeing. "Where did you get all that
money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it.
"Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me'', said the bartender, and paid the guy
his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet
you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet."

So, the guy pulled out his
false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!"
protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money,
bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered
the bet. The guy couldn't even stand
up straight on two feet, much less one.

"Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood
on one leg, and began pissing all over the place.

He hit the bar, the bartender,
himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe
me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and
said, "That's okay. I just bet each of
the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"