Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies … Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

And the last thought for the day:

You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.