A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.

"Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks.

"That depends," says the doctor.

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you fool around with loose women?"

"Of course not."

"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?"

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group. The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does i look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in- law!"

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the women.

"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE

I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW

MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,

NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,

MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROUBLE POOPING.

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

An old lady and an old man are
sitting in their retirement home. The man turns to the woman and
says, "I bet you can't tell how old I am." She says, "Okay." She then unzips his fly, feels around
for a while and finally says, "You're 83." "That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know that?" he asks. She replies, "You told me yesterday."

Has it ever bothered you when the doctor's assistant asks you why you are here? Of course you feel compelled to answer, though you have to answer in front of total strangers in the lobby. Many times, your reason for being there can be quite embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his recent physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and as empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, "What happened?" The man explained: "Well doc, its like this-- first I tried with my right hand but nothing. The I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand and then with her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth and then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

A couple had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table
together." "I know," the old man said. "We were
probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive
some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the
buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied
Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is
in your oatmeal."

Bob wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. “How was your game, darling?” asked his wife, Jane. “I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight’s gotten so damn bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.” shrugged Bob. “Well, you’re 75 years old,” said Jane. “You can’t expect everything to be like it was. Why don’t you take my brother Jimmy along?” “But he’s 85 and he doesn’t even play golf any more…” protested Bob. “But he’s got perfect eyesight,” Jane pointed out. “he can watch the ball for you.” So the next day Bob teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it, do you see it?” asked Bob in anticipation. “Yep!” Jimmy answered. “Well where is it?” exclaimed Bob, peering off into the distance. “I forgot,” said Jimmy.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . it makes your nose look too short. Love, Grandma.

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In
spite of her old age, she was still a
virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew
her last days were getting closer, so
she told the local undertaker that she
wanted the following inscription on
her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived
as a virgin, died as a virgin”. Not long after, the old maid died
peacefully, and the undertaker told his
men what the lady had said. The men
went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-
goods they were, they thought the
inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned
unopened"

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25- year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." But my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, 'What are you doing naked?' The daughter responds, 'This is the dress of love.' When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, 'What are you doing naked?' She responds, 'This is the dress of love.' 'Well,' he says to her, 'go iron it.'