A guy tells his psychiatrist:

‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennium Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"


"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."


"What sort of trouble?"


"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."


"Went away?"


"They disappeared."


"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"


"Nothing."


"Nothing?"


"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."


"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"


"How do I tell?"


"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"


"What's a sea-prompt?"


"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"


"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."


"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"


"What's a monitor?"


"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.


"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"


"I don't know."


"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"


"Yes, I think so."


"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."


"Yes, it is."


"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."


"Okay, here it is."


"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."


"I can't reach."


"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"No."


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"


"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"


"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."


"Well, turn on the office light then."


"I can't."


"No? Why not?"


"Because there's a power outage."


"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"


"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."


"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."


"Really? Is it that bad?"


"Yes, I'm afraid it is."


"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Watch out for these new viruses -
Neither Symantec or McAfee have
solutions as yet!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses of mass destruction.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO
memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB,
then slowly expands to re-stabilize
around 150 GB.

The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

Dear Tech Support:

Years ago I upgraded from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
noticed that the new program
began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installed itself into all
other programs and now monitors
all other system activity, such as
Happy Hour 64, Golf 2.3, Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
Girlfriend 7.0 ran smoothly with all
of these applications. I can't seem to
keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my
favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on
Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that
men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to
Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once Installed! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0
manual under Warnings - Alimony/
Child Support. I recommend that
you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter
the command C:\APOLOGISE
because ultimately you will have
to give the APOLOGISE command
before the system will return to
normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and
Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills
4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 36.24. This application is not supported by
Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Ps. Some users have been successful
with Wife 1.2 or even Wife 1.3,
however, I do not recommend
unless you read the owner's manual first.