A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor.

"The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

A Preacher wanted to raise money for
his church and, being told there were
fortunes in Race horses, he decided to
purchase one and enter it in the
races.However, at the local auction, the
going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured that since he had it, he might
as well go ahead and enter it in the
races, and to his surprise the donkey
came in third. The next day the racing
sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the
donkey that he entered it in the races
again and this time he won! The
papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the
Preacher not to enter the donkey in
another race. The newspaper printed
this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop
and he ordered the Preacher to get rid
of the animal. The Preacher decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the
nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey and she finally found a
farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Bob wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. “How was your game, darling?” asked his wife, Jane. “I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight’s gotten so damn bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.” shrugged Bob. “Well, you’re 75 years old,” said Jane. “You can’t expect everything to be like it was. Why don’t you take my brother Jimmy along?” “But he’s 85 and he doesn’t even play golf any more…” protested Bob. “But he’s got perfect eyesight,” Jane pointed out. “he can watch the ball for you.” So the next day Bob teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it, do you see it?” asked Bob in anticipation. “Yep!” Jimmy answered. “Well where is it?” exclaimed Bob, peering off into the distance. “I forgot,” said Jimmy.

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a
football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend
how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just
couldn't understand though why they
were beating each other up for 25
cents. Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what
do you mean? The blonde girlfriend replied, all they
kept screaming was: "Get the quarter
back! Get the quarter back!"

The was a man named George who
got a new job. His fellow employees
always met for a round of golf every
Saturday. They asked George to meet
them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes
late.
On Saturday morning George was
there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right
handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and
George says that he will be there, but
he may be 10 minutes late again. He
shows up right on time, golfs left
handed, and wins the round. This
continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may
be 10 minutes late, and then always
winning the round golfing, either left
or right handed. The other employees are getting tired
of this, and decided to ask him what
the deal was. They said, ''George,
every Saturday you say you may be
ten minutes late. You never are. Then
you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always
win. What is up with that?'' George replies, ''Well, I am a very
superstitious kind of guy. Every
Saturday when I wake up, I look over
at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left
side, I golf left handed. If she is
sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees
questioned, ''What happens if she is
laying on her back?'' George replies,
''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

The psychology instructor had just
finished a lecture on mental health and
had proceeded to give an oral quiz to
the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic
depression, the instructor asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient
who walks back and forth screaming
at the top of his lungs one minute,
then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room
raised his hand and answered, "A
basketball coach?"

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English, ” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like ?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”