1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.


"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.


The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).


That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.


"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."


"No problem," he says. And in they go.


The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.


So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.


"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.


Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

There was a fly flying six inches over the lake.

At the same time there was a fish in the water that was gonna jump up and eat the fly when it came over.

At the same time there's a bear thinking that when the fish goes for the fly he's gonna grab the fish and eat it.

At the same time there is a hunter that,s gonna drop his sandwich and shoot the bear when it goes for the fish.

But at the same time there's a mouse that,s gonna take the hunters sandwich when the hunter goes to shoot the bear.

And there's a cat who at the same time is thinking he's gonna run over and eat the mouse when it goes for the sandwich.

So this all happens at the same time and the cat ends up falling into the lake.

So what is the moral of this story?

"When the fly goes down six inches the pussy always gets wet"

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on
some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach
the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he
was, proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might
get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

While she was "flying" down the
road yesterday (30 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a
radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up
to the car, and with that classic
patronising smirk we all know and
love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four,
then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do
with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park
him behind a bridge…"

A boy watches his mum and dad
having sex.

He ask, "What are you doing?"

His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"

The boy say, "Do her doggy style, I want a puppy."

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put
his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started
fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see
a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with
the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he�s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. 'Son, there�s been a bit of a mix-up,' admits the surgeon. 'I�m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.' 'What!' gasps the patient. 'You mean I�ll never experience another erection?' 'Oh, you might,' the surgeon reassures him. 'Just not yours.'

A lady bought a new $100,000
Mercedes and proudly drove it off the
showroom floor to take home.
Halfway home, she attempted to
change radio stations and saw that
there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned
around and headed back to the
dealer. Once at the dealer, she found her
salesman and began to excitedly
explain that her radio was not
working, and they must replace it
since she only had one radio station.
The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-
activated, and that she would only
need to state aloud the type of music
that she wanted and the car would
find it. She got into the car and started the
engine and then said the word
“country,” and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song.
She was satisfied and started home.
After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said “rock ‘n’ roll;” the radio station changed and a song by
the Rolling Stones came from the
speakers. Quite pleased, the woman
continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another
driver ran a light causing her to slam
on her brakes to avoid a collision. The
woman angrily exclaimed, “Asshole !” …The radio cut over to George Bush’s press conference.

Three men were flying in a plane. One dropped out an apple the other dropped an orange and
the other dropped a grenade. After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kid crying. They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hit me in the head". Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in the head". Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him what was so funny he said "I farted and my house blew up!"

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no
more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control
pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his
room.
Bad: You find several porn movies
hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands
fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman
next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees
speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.

Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree both have in common? A: Both have balls that are just for decoration.