One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."

The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"

His mom fainted.

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didn't say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy what's that?" She replied, "Well Johnny that's my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three
days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male
student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

In school one day the teacher decided
that in science class she would teach
about materials; So she stood in the
front of the class and said, "Children, if
you could have one raw material in
the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I
would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy
a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little
Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want
platinum because platinum is worth
more than gold and I could buy a
Corvette". The teacher smiled and then called on
Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up
and said, "I would want silicon." The
teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my
mom has two bags of it and you
should see all the sports cars outside
our house!!"

It was the end of the school year. The
teacher had turned in her grades;
there was nothing really for the class
to do. All the kids were restless and it
was near the end of the day. So the
teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer
correctly the questions I ask may leave
early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good,
I'm smart and I want to get outta
here." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four
Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth,
Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie.
You may go." Johnny was really mad that Susie had
answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a
Dream'?" But before Johnny could open his
mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther
King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary.
You may go." Johnny was even madder than before
because Mary had answered first. Then the teacher asked, "Who said
'Ask not what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth,
Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and
the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy.
you may go." Now Johnny was furious! The teacher turned her back, and
Johnny muttered, "I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths
shut!" The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID
THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO
NOW?"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology
class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is
that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not
correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the
teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing
with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around
the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff!
ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

The kindergarten class had a
homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it
to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his
turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out
what Johnny had in mind for his
report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but
what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but
this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."

A man walking on the sidewalk
noticed Little Johnny was a block
ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and
sitting in a red wagon. It appeared
that the wagon was being pulled
slowly by a large black Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he
noticed that Little Johnny had a rope
tied around the dog's testicles, which
probably accounted for why the dog
was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy,
"That's really a nice fire engine you
have there, son. But I'll bet the dog
would pull you faster if you tied that
rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "

That's what I said!"

During a good manners and
etiquette class being held for young
children, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a
dinner for two you needed to go to
the toilet, what would you say to
her?" Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute." The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is
unpleasant." And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Little Johnny's father had just returned
home from a business trip, and he had
a romantic evening planned with his
wife. So, he sent his two older kids to
the movies, but he couldn't persuade
Little Johnny to go along. Finally, he made a deal with Little
Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the
house, I'll give you five dollars for
every man you see go by in a red hat." An excited Little Johnny agreed. Some time later, Little Johnny ran into
the house and up to his parents
bedroom. He banged on the door and
shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your
getting screwed in THERE, just wait
until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our
house."

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for
a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day, the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."