Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

In this article we will give you a compilation of 100 of the most funny and entertaining Chuck Norris jokes we could find on the whole internet. We hope you have a nice time laughing your asses off! So in no particular order, the top 100:

1) Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

2) Chuck Norris writes only in the first person because that's the only person that matters to anyone.

3) Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

4) Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

5) Chuck Norris wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

6) Chuck Norris took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

7) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

8) Chuck Norris came before the chicken and the egg.

9) Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

10) Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide- and-seek." He plays "hide-and- pray-I-don't-find-you."

11) Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

12) Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

13) Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

14) Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

15) Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

16) In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

17) Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

18) Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

19) Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

20) Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

21) When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

22) Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

23) Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

24) Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

25) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

26) Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

27) When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

28) Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

29) Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

30) Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

31)Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

32) Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

33) Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

34) If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

35) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

36) Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

37) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

38) Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

39) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

40) Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

41) Some people piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

42) Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

43) Chuck Norris can speak braille.

44) When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

45) Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredibl Hulk.

46) Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

47) Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

48) There are three legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, and Chuck Norris.

49) If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

50) Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

51) Chuck Norris ’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

52) If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

53) There is no theory of evolution just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

54) Nine out of ten scientists agree that Chuck Norris, not the Big Bang, created the universe. The tenth scientist has never been found.

55) Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

56) CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

57) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

58) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

59) The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

60) TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

61) Chuck Norris ate a 10 pound steak in an hour. He spent the first 55 minutes banging the waitress.

62) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

63) Ironically, Chuck Norris ’ hidden talent is invisibility.

64) Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

65) If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

66) Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

67) The leading causes of the death in the United States: 1. Heart attack 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

68) Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

69) One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

70) Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

71) The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

72) Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

73) Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

74) The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

75) If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.

76) Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

77) Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

78) Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

79) Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

80) Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

81) Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

82) Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

83) A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

84) Chuck Norris doesn't chec death. He wins fair and square.

85) Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

86) Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

87) Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

88) Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

89) The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

90) Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

91) Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.

92) The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

93) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

94) Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

95) When Chuck Norris swims, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

96) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

97) When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

98) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

99) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

100) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you liked this post, let us know by leaving a comment and telling us your favourites out of the 100! Don't forget to share and like this post for more people to enjoy it.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food.

Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "if I had to describe it, I'd say it tasted something like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your financial education?" he asks.

"Yale," replies the lad.

The manager is sure he's misheard the man, so he asks his question again and the man again responds "Yale."

That can't be right, thinks the manager. He decides he's going to check it out online. "And what's your full name again?" asks the manager.

"Yim Yohnston."

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt.

The bartender looks on in amazement as she pours another glass, and again tips it down the back of her skirt. His curiosity piqued, the bartender quickly inquires, "Lady, why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?"

To which the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with!"

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv.

"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."

"Oh, my god," says Sid

"So that's what heaven is like?"

"Oh no," says Irv.

"I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."

He ignores it. It goes on for days.

"Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

"Saul, take a card."

What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

What?

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"

He asks for another card.

It’s another ace.

He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

I have twenty! Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.

The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[read with an Italian accent]


One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheits on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheit. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on'a my bed. He say you better not sheit on'a bed, you son'a ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.