A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint.

The rabbit says, "Don't do that. Come running with me. It's much more fun!"

The deer takes off with the rabbit. They come across an elephant doing coke. "Come running with us, elephant," says the rabbit. “You'll feel so good!"

The elephant decides to join in the fun, and the whole groups goes off running. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a huge paw and knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, "Lion, what are you doing? He's trying to help us!"

The lion answers, "That loser makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!"

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food.

Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "if I had to describe it, I'd say it tasted something like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"

A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies. "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv.

"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."

"Oh, my god," says Sid

"So that's what heaven is like?"

"Oh no," says Irv.

"I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

A Preacher wanted to raise money for
his church and, being told there were
fortunes in Race horses, he decided to
purchase one and enter it in the
races.However, at the local auction, the
going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured that since he had it, he might
as well go ahead and enter it in the
races, and to his surprise the donkey
came in third. The next day the racing
sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the
donkey that he entered it in the races
again and this time he won! The
papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the
Preacher not to enter the donkey in
another race. The newspaper printed
this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop
and he ordered the Preacher to get rid
of the animal. The Preacher decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the
nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey and she finally found a
farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the steet to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him.

"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".

There was a mouse and an elephant and they decided to go for a walk in the jungle together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the elephant fell in a hole.

"Oh My!" the elephant cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".

"Don't worry" said the mouse. I'll just run back into town and get my Porsche and we will have you out of there in no time at all."


So the mouse ran back to town and got her porsche.

When she arrived back at the hole she backed the porsche up to the edge. The mouse then threw the elephant one end of a chain and secured the other end to her bumper.

"Here we go" the mouse yelled to the elephant as she put the Porsche in gear and pulled the elephant out of the hole.

"Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the elephant.

"My pleasure" said the mouse "Should we continue on our walk?"

The elephant agreed, but as he turned toward the mouse his trunk accidentally knocked her into the hole.

"Oh my goodness" the elephant wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your porsche!"

"Not a problem" the mouse responded "Just throw your dick down here" The elephant trusted the mouse so he threw his dick into the hole and the mouse climbed out on it.

Once she was out the elephant and mouse continued on their walk with no further mishaps.

And the moral of the story is... ?

"If you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche!

There were three flies in a jar.

Two female and one male.

One of the female flies asks the male fly "Do you know a way to get out ?"

The male fly replies "Suck my dick and I'll tell you"

So she did and the male fly told her to fly up to the top of the jar and hit the lid real hard.

She did this and fell back down dead.

The second fly then asks the male fly "Please, you musk tell me how to get out !"

The male fly replies "Suck my dick and I'll tell you"

As she does the male fly instructs her to fly up to the top of the jar and hit the lid two times real hard.

She did this and fell back down dead.


Want to know how the male fly got out ?

"Suck my dick and I'll tell you"

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender cries out to the man, " Oh My God, did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What?" says the man.

The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"

"Well, I'm not surprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"

Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it whole. Once again the bartender cries out, "Oh my God, Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What did he do this time?"

The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"

The man say's "Well, I'm not surprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything first"

Two gophers were on one side of the street, but they were wondering what it was like across the street.

So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side.

Once he gets to the other side of the street, he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel just as a a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole.

The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw.

He says "All I know is it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.

There was a fly flying six inches over the lake.

At the same time there was a fish in the water that was gonna jump up and eat the fly when it came over.

At the same time there's a bear thinking that when the fish goes for the fly he's gonna grab the fish and eat it.

At the same time there is a hunter that,s gonna drop his sandwich and shoot the bear when it goes for the fish.

But at the same time there's a mouse that,s gonna take the hunters sandwich when the hunter goes to shoot the bear.

And there's a cat who at the same time is thinking he's gonna run over and eat the mouse when it goes for the sandwich.

So this all happens at the same time and the cat ends up falling into the lake.

So what is the moral of this story?

"When the fly goes down six inches the pussy always gets wet"

Three dogs are in the waiting room of a vets office. The first dog asked the second dog "What are you here for?"

"I crap and pee all over the house so I'm going to be put to sleep. What are you here for?" the second dog asked.

"Whenever my master is gone, I tear the house apart. I bite
and chew on everything. I'm going to be put to sleep, too" replied the first dog.

The first two dogs look to the third dog and ask "What are you here for?"

"Well, one day my mistress was bent over vacuuming the floor and I just couldn't help myself and I humped her." said the third dog.

"They're going to put you to sleep for that!?" exclaimed the first two dogs.

"No! I'm just here to get my nails clipped."