At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you."

He replied: "You lose."

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

A little boy goes to see his Dad and
asks, "Dad, What is politics?"

His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's
call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's
the administrator of the money, so
we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the
Working Class. And your baby
brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if
that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed
thinking about what Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby
brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his nappy. So the little boy
goes to his parents' room and finds
his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the
nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back
to bed.

The next morning, the little boy
says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound
asleep, the People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep
shit."

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill
Clinton are traveling in a car together
in the Midwest. A tornado comes along
and whirls them up into the air and
tosses them thousands of yards away.
When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize they're in the land of Oz. They
decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the
Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm
going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Bill Clinton and Al Gore were taking a
shower at the gym after a strenuous
exercise. Bill looked down at Al's dick
and was shocked at how big it was.
"My GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd
you get it that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every night, I whack it three
times against the bedpost," he
answered proudly. "Well, I'll have to
try that," Bill said. So that night, when
Bill got home, Hilary was already in
bed, half asleep. Bill took out his dick and thumped three times against the
bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in
bed. "Al, is that you?" she asked.

Hillary went into a pet shop and found
a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this
parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he
does," the manager told her. "But why
is this one only $50 and all the others
are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone
would want to own this parrot. He
spent many years in a whorehouse,
and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit
yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the
White House, she uncovered his cage
and admired the colorful bird. The
parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and
said, "New house, new madam."
Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and
began admiring the bird. "New house,
new whores," the parrot observed. At
first they were offended, but when
Hilary explained about the bird's
history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later, the president
entered the living quarters. The parrot
looked up from his feeder and said,
"Hi, Bill."

Jerry Falwell was seated next to
President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight
attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a
whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister
if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd
rather be savagely raped by a brazen
whore than let liquor touch these
lips!" The President then handed his drink
back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a
choice. I'll have the same thing he's
having."

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill
Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts
to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the
women and children!" Nixon: "Screw
the women and children" Clinton: "Do
we have time?"

The Clinton's and the Gores are
traveling aboard Air Force One. Bill
Clinton looks out the window and
says, "You know, I bet I could drop a
$10,000 bill out the window and
make one person very happy!" Al Gore comments, "Yes, but I could drop
ten $1000 bills out the window, and
make ten people very happy." Hillary
Clinton says, "True, but I could drop
one hundred $100 bills out the
window, and make one hundred people very happy. Chelsea responds,
"Big deal! I could drop all of you out
the window, and make the whole
country happy!"

Clinton walks out into his garden one
day and in the snow he sees "bastard"
written in piss. He is so outraged he
goes into the oval office and calls the
CIA and FBI to tell them to find out
who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate
and when they return they say "Well
Bill, we've got bad news and we've
got worse news, which one would
you like to hear first?" And Bill says,
"What's the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill
yells, "That dirty no good son of a
bitch!!!!! What's the worse news?" So
the agent says, "It was Hillary's
handwriting..."

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill
Clinton are traveling in a car together
in the Midwest. A tornado comes along
and whirls them up into the air and
tosses them thousands of yards away.
When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize they're in the land of Oz. They
decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the
Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm
going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

The first ladies of UK, Russia and
France were having a meeting with
Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of
discussion was the penis of their
respective spouse. The first lady of UK
says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room" The
lady from Russia says, "It is like an
army officer- you do not know where
he will attack from- front or back.."
The French lady says, "It is like the
screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..." Then
Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it
moves from one mouth to another..."

At a meeting for peace negotiations
Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were
in Baghdad and when bill sat down in
the conference room he noticed
Saddamm with three buttons on the
arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a
boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill
square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace
Bill decided to ignore this and
continued talking until sadamm
pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in
the chin. Sadamm started laughing.
But again Bill ignored this and
continued . A minute later Bill saw
Sadamm press the third button and he
jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill
had decided he had enough of this
and went back home. Three weeks later the peace
negotiations were re-scheduled in
Washington and as Sadamm sat down
in Bills conference room he noticed Bill
had three buttons on the arm of his
chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but
nothing happened, Bill started
giggling. They continued to talk then
Bill pressed the second button,
Sadamm moved but again nothing
happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even
harder. A few minutes later Bill
pressed the third button and started
pissing himself but like the others
nothing happened. Sadamm had
enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to
Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What
Baghdad?"

One day about a month ago, Bill
Clinton was looking for a call girl. He
found three such ladies in a local
lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a
redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am
the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some
time with you?" The blonde replied,
"Two hundred dollars." To the
brunette he posed the same question ,
and she replied, "One hundred dollars.
"He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr.
President , if you can raise my skirt as
high as my taxes.... Get my panties as
low as my wages...get that thing of
yours as hard as the times... Keep it
high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my
apartment...and...screw me in private
the way you do in public, then believe
me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost
you a cent."

A Marine was coming home from the
Pentagon one day. He noticed that
there was a lot more traffic than
normal. As he got further up the road
all of the traffic had come to a halt. He
saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was
wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a
crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the
road very upset. He does not have the
$33.5 million that he owes his lawyers,
and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and start a fire." The marine
asked the cop exactly what he was
doing there." The cop said, " I feel
sorry for the president so I am going
car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you
have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as
of right now only 33 gallons, but
many people are still siphoning as we
speak!"

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly as a mud fence) does not mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" To which Janet replied, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sound you could imagine. Bill rolled over and said, "Janet, is that you?"

While visiting England, George W.
Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent
people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.” She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?” Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.” “Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?” “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I ’ll definitely be using that!” Upon returning to Washington, he
decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee to the test. He summons
Jesse Helms to the White House and
says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.” “Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?” “Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?” Helms hems and haws and finally
asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you ?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting
of other senior senators, and they
puzzle over the question for several
hours, but nobody can come up with
an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his
problem. “Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your
brother, or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb ass.” Much relieved, Helms rushes back to
the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it
is! It’s Colin Powell!” And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb ass, It’s Tony Blair!”

A lady bought a new $100,000
Mercedes and proudly drove it off the
showroom floor to take home.
Halfway home, she attempted to
change radio stations and saw that
there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned
around and headed back to the
dealer. Once at the dealer, she found her
salesman and began to excitedly
explain that her radio was not
working, and they must replace it
since she only had one radio station.
The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-
activated, and that she would only
need to state aloud the type of music
that she wanted and the car would
find it. She got into the car and started the
engine and then said the word
“country,” and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song.
She was satisfied and started home.
After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said “rock ‘n’ roll;” the radio station changed and a song by
the Rolling Stones came from the
speakers. Quite pleased, the woman
continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another
driver ran a light causing her to slam
on her brakes to avoid a collision. The
woman angrily exclaimed, “Asshole !” …The radio cut over to George Bush’s press conference.

A man was walking down the streets
of Washington DC one night. All of a
sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his
ribs and says. Give me all your money.

He replied, "Do you realize I am an
important member of congress?" The
robber said, "In that case give me all
my money!"